The active engagement of manipulation.
University of Washington, Hall Health Center Mental Health Clinic staff. January 2014.
http://depts.washington.edu/hhpccweb/health-resource/healthy-vs-unhealthy-relationships/
A healthy relationship is when two people develop a connection based on:
University of Washington, Hall Health Center Mental Health Clinic staff. January 2014.
By Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., MFT
Last updated: 27 Apr 2019
The tactics some narcissists use to get their way in personal relationships can be strikingly similar to the coercive tactics used by destructive cult leaders.If you have a spouse, family member, friend, or boss who is narcissistic, ask yourself whether any of the following 14 characteristics of destructive cults parallel your relationship with the narcissist.
If you notice similarities between such techniques and your relationship with a narcissistic person, keep in mind:
Additional readings on destructive cults and narcissism:
Characteristics of cults
Traits of dangerous cult leaders
Psychology of the cult experience
Telltale signs of cults
What cults don’t want you to know
Techniques of thought reform
Brainwashing techniques
How narcissistic leaders manipulate group dynamics
Cults of personality
Sociopathic cult leaders
Copyright © 2017 by Dan Neuharth, PhD MFT
Dr. Seth Meyers, Los Angeles psychologist and relationship expert, offers expert commentary on TV and to various media outlets on relationships and mental health issues. He is a writer for Psychology Today and eharmony, and is the author of Overcome Relationship Repeititon Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve (Simon and Schuster).
Posted May 01, 2014
The topic of narcissism begs the following question flashing in neon lights: Why would a narcissist want a child to begin with? Aren’t they so focused on themselves that they wouldn’t have the slightest interest in paying attention to others, much less attending to a needy young child who craves constant attention and praise?
Alas, the question presumes a type of normalcy and natural order of the parent-child relationship that betrays the root of narcissism. The truth is, narcissistic parents don’t have children because they want to nurture and guide their offspring through life; they have children so that they have an automatic, built-in relationship in which they have power, one in which the narcissist
Understand this: Control over someone else is the ultimate jackpot every narcissist works so hard to win. The reality of narcissistic parenting couldn’t be sadder: The child of the narcissist realizes early on that he exists to provide a reflection for the parent and to serve the parent – not the other way around.
If you comb through online relationship forums and chat rooms devoted to the subject of adult children of narcissists, you’ll find that all of the posters of comments have suffered similar bruises at the hands of a narcissistic parent. To read some of the comments is heartbreaking, and they call into question how strange and illogical it is to create such rigorous adoption laws when an ill-fit individual can procreate whenever they want – and mess up the life of a child without suffering a consequence. The real tragedy occurs behind closed doors at home, much like the process of physical abuse.
…narcissistic parent. It takes years to finally see that the type of parenting they’ve been receiving is wrong – if not emotionally abusive.
Young children of narcissists learn early in life that everything they do is a reflection on the parent to the point that the child must fit into the personality and behavioral mold intended for them. These children bear tremendous anxiety from a young age as they must continually push aside their own personality in order to please the parent and provide the mirror image the parent so desperately needs. If these children fail to comply with the narcissist’s wishes or try to set their own goals for their life – God, forbid – the children will be overtly punished, frozen out or avoided for a period of time – hours, days or even weeks depending on the perceived transgression in the eyes of the narcissistic parent.
With young children, the narcissistic parent is experienced as unpredictable and confusing. After all, narcissists are awfully difficult to understand for adults, so just imagine how confusing the capricious narcissist is in the eyes of a young child! Because young kids can’t make accurate sense of the narcissist’s interpersonal tricks and stunts, these children internalize intense shame (‘I keep failing my Mom’) which leads to anger that the child turns on himself (‘I’m so stupid,’ ‘Something’s wrong with me’). The overall quality and strength of the bond between the narcissistic parent and young child are poor and weak. Deep down, the child doesn’t feel consistently loved, as the child is taught the metaphoric Narcissistic Parenting Program: You’re only as good as I say you are, and you’ll be loved only if you’re fully compliant with my wishes. Simply put, it’s truly heartbreaking for the child – although the narcissistic parent is sinfully oblivious.
It’s not until many years later that the life experiences of the child of the narcissist start to make a little more sense. Friends often catch glimpses of the kind of ‘crazy’ parenting these individuals received, so he or she starts to get a healthy reality check like this: “Your mom is insane,” or “Your Dad is seriously messed up.”
How Narcissistic Parenting Impacts the Adult Relationships of Children of Narcissists
Because the narcissistic parent-child bond was so distorted and corrupt, the offspring as adults tend to gravitate toward drama-laden, roller-coaster relationships – especially with romantic partners. Because they didn’t grow up with the belief that they were intrinsically okay and good, it makes perfect sense that these individuals would gravitate toward stormy romantic partners later. These adults would feel like a fish out of water in a relationship with someone who loved them consistently, and the experience would be so unfamiliar that it would cause major anxiety. Accordingly, these individuals tend to seek out partners who are emotionally unavailable, critical or withholding – just like Mommy and/or Daddy was in the past. In short, the only kind of relationship the adult child of a narcissist really fits in with is one with a highly skewed dynamic: The child of the narcissist must cater to and keep their partner happy, even when that involves squashing her own needs and feelings.
It’s not until the adult children of a narcissist get (a lot of) psychotherapy or have a life-changing experience that pulls them away them from the disturbed parent that these adult children can truly begin to heal – and then create better, more normal relationships that offer the give-and-take reciprocity most of us have and value in our relationships.
What’s interesting to note is the narcissistic parent’s reaction to witnessing healthy psychological change in their child. Once the child or adult child of the narcissist starts to get psychologically healthier and begins to distance himself a bit from the parent, the narcissistic parent experiences a sort of existential panic. Often, it’s a psychotherapist, colleague, or friend who plants the seeds of change, declaring to the child that the parent is toxic and emotionally abusive. Thrust into fight mode, the narcissistic parent feels furious and works to ostracize the individual suspected of inducing the change and pulling the child away from the parent’s tight grip. Though it can initially be confusing to the adult child why the narcissistic parent verbally tears apart his closest confidants, the parent’s reaction ultimately shows the adult child what matters most to the narcissistic parent: his or her own emotional needs – not those of the adult child.
If you happen to be someone who has suffered at the hands of a narcissistic parent, talk to your friends and other family members about your experience, and consider talking to a mental health professional. After years of dealing with the inconsistency of a narcissistic parent, it can be extremely healing to have a therapist help you make sense of the craziness.
Seth Meyers is the author of Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/shame-and-silence-recognizing-spiritual-abuse-0201175
Home >GoodTherapy Blog >Shame and Silence: Recognizing Spiritual Abuse
February 1, 2017 • Contributed by Mackenzi Kingdon, MA, LMHCA, GoodTherapy.org Topic Expert
https://www.restorationcounselingseattle.com/who-am-i
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/shame-and-silence-recognizing-spiritual-abuse-0201175
Spiritual abuse is sneaky. It hides in the fact that it is not commonly discussed and thus is often overlooked. But know that if you have experienced spiritual abuse or oppression, you are not alone, and compassionate help and support can help you overcome its effects.
SPIRITUAL ABUSE IN PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIPS
Parent-child spiritual abuse, while common, may be tricky to recognize, as the line between abuse and influence can at times be blurry one. When does the attempt to influence and shape a child’s moral outlook through religious upbringing cross the line into abuse?
I imagine many individuals, when considering the topic of spiritual abuse, think of the movie Carrie. In this film, Carrie suffers extreme physical and spiritual abuse at the hands of her mother, all in the name of God.
Spiritual abuse perpetuated by parents, not always obvious or blatant, can be seen when parents:
The parent-child dynamic of spiritual abuse should not be equated with a parent’s attempt to raise a child in a religious household. Parents who follow a particular faith may read their child stories from a religious text, explain why certain morals are important or why they hold certain beliefs, and bring their child to church events. These are not examples of abuse when they are not forced on a child.
Further, parents who encourage their child to ask questions and provide the child with explanations instead of simply saying, “Because God says so,” can help their child learn, grow, and think critically. It is often worth it for a parent to take the time to explain to a child why they chose to follow a particular faith, as this serves to introduce the child to that unique and important aspect of the parent’s life.
ABUSE IN SMALL CULTS
Society as a whole has become more aware of cult practices in recent years. Cults might exist as small branches of major religions or are large organizations in their own right, and they may be difficult to recognize or define. People who have left them, however, often report abusive practices, though many share that they did not recognize these tactics as abuse until they had a chance to step away from them.
Some of the following may be questions to consider:
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may wish to carefully consider the religious group to which you belong. It may be a good idea to seek the support of a trusted friend or family member along with professional help from a counselor, particularly one trained to provide help with spiritual and religious issues. A person should not have to worry that sharing their worries or opinions will lead to judgment or recrimination.
Religions respect the individual’s autonomy.
Cults enforce compliance.
Religions try to help individuals meet their spiritual needs.
Cults exploit spiritual needs.
Religions tolerate and even encourage questions and independent, critical thinking.
Cults discourage questions and independent critical thinking.
Religions encourage psycho-spiritual integration.
Cults “split” members into the “good cult self” and the “bad old self.”
Conversion to religions involves an unfolding of internal processes central to a person’s identity.
Cultic conversion involves an unaware surrender to external forces that care little for the person’s identity.
Religions view money as a means, subject to ethical restraints, toward achieving noble ends.
Cults view money as an end or as a means toward achieving power or the selfish goals of the leader.
Religions view sex between clergy and the faithful as unethical.
Cults frequently subject members to the sexual appetites of the leaders.
Religions respond to critics respectfully.
Cults frequently intimidate critics with physical or legal threats.
Religions cherish the family.
Cults view the family as an enemy.
Religions encourage a person to think carefully before making a commitment to join.
Cults encourage quick decisions with little information.
From “Guidelines for Clergy” by Rev. Richard L. Dowhower, in Recovery From Cults, edited by Michael D. Langone, Ph.D. and published by W.W. Norton and Company. Reprinted with permission.
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